Vulnerable & Willing


The decision to write on such a personal topic as this one and putting myself out there to be so vulnerable did NOT come easy, to say the least. However after much contemplation, agonizing over the consequence of making such a statement in a public forum – I feel it is time for me to let this go and sit back to be carried along as the wind blows and enjoy the ride.

About three months ago, I was introduced to a group of passages and to the best I recollect this was the first time I’ve read them. However I’m sure that is not the case considering the number of years I have been exposed to teachings from the bible. Even as I type these words the Holy Spirit reminded me that many times people have read the same story over and over and potentially it goes in one ear and out the other. Yet, God’s timing is perfect – AMEN! And when their spirit is ready to receive what the Holy Spirit has been preparing you for all along, unbeknownst to you at the time, that same story will come alive as God imparts to you the new revelation applied to your destiny He has called you to ‘for such a time as this’ ….and so my story of vulnerability and step of faith continues…

1 Corinthians Chapter 7

(For the purpose of this post I will not quote in entirety and refer only to specific verses (some partial). I encourage you to read for yourself to understand the full context as you are able.)

V. 1-9:

Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.

8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

…….

V. 31-32, 34-35

….For the form of this world is passing away.

32 But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord.

34……The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit……35 And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.

As implied, I am being honest, throwing caution to the wind and with that being said – This obviously was not good news upon first introduction!

While I can’t say that I spent every waking moment as a little girl planning my wedding with every detail outlined by the age of 15 as 90% of girls do…I CAN say that as of late, i.e. past 2 or 3 years, I have caught myself red-handed, more often than night, allowing my daydreams an extra moment or two to linger on small details that would hold special meaning IF that day should ever come in my own fairy tale happily ever after – or lack thereof. Not to make a big deal of it but instead I would tuck it away in my secret memory vault that only I had the key too. To give you an idea of where my mind is at, an instance from this vault is that I want my mom to walk me down the aisle and give me away opposed to the traditional father or male figure. I realize this is not anywhere near standard practice BUT the significance of the symbolism would speak volumes without uttering a sound.

These highlighted passages have spurred several questions I’ve been mulling over the past month:

? What if my habit to avoid relationships unless they were based on sex, is not solely a result of my deep rooted wounding of rejection by men in particular, stemming from the relationship with my biological father but in actuality God has called me to be single as part of my ministry?

? What if I’m not a total ‘leper’ of my generation because I don’t battle with sexual desires and instead that is an honor or a gift because God has called me to stay pure and holy as mentioned?

? Do I really want to entertain this calling and admit the possibility that this is what God planned, understanding the reality of being alone always?

? Will I never experience the intimate gaze a husband and wife share from across a room in which not a word is uttered and yet an entire song is written between the two?

? Will I not one day wake in the a.m. to find myself rested with a night absent of tossing and turning because I had fallen asleep with the security of his presence next to me and knowing he was going to be there in the morning and not leave in the middle of the night?

Are you still with me?

So – sure I have desires and passion that yearns from deep within, but it is not of the expected sexual nature that most battle with. My battles include a longing for physical touch, emotional intimacy and connection that I assume most take for granted or don’t consider valid enough to be ‘battle’ worthy – such as:

 

–       freedom to sit next to him leaning my head on his shoulder for as long as I need, knowing that he is content to allow me to do so and wants to be there with me too. Knowing that he won’t push me away and be quick to get the heck out of dodge, in essence rejecting me.

–       strolling through a store/parking lot/park or wherever the day takes us, with the freedom to link my arm through his knowing that he doesn’t mind being seen with me, that I don’t embarrass him or ruin his reputation

–       he takes interest or pays attention to the little details of what makes my heart smile without being prompted

–       being comfortable to be in the same house or even same room without the need to ‘entertain’ one another but secure and happy in simply knowing they are here

–       sharing an intimate conversation and experiencing the emotional connection that comes with it

 

To sum it up:

I don’t know if I will ever experience the fulfillment of my desires above. I don’t know if I’m called to live the life outlined in 1 Corinthians 7. I don’t know if I’ll be given the privilege of waking up tomorrow for another day to honor and worship My God.

 

BUT: What harm could come out of a decision to switch gears and focus my mind on serving my eternal husband, Jesus? How bad would it be if I made a personal declaration that my goal is to aim to be holy in both body and spirit? Heaven forbid I fall so in love with Jesus, My Beloved bridegroom, that all I want to do is love on Him, sing a new song, minister to his bride and by example, others will see the relationship with Him IS a tangible reality within reach.

 

So that’s what I’m going to do, focus on my Bridegroom and surrender this particular area of my life to Him, waiting for the next door to open and yet if that next door never comes, I have enough to do in exalting and worshipping Him to last me a lifetime and further – for eternity

 

~ Father God, I surrender this area of my life to You and choose to focus on being a pure and spotless bride by Your Son Jesus Christ. I willingly give you full control of any and all potential relationships with men and ask that You align my thoughts with Your thoughts and my ways with Your ways. If Your will for my life is to minister as a single woman of God then I accept that calling and will do so with joy and a cheerful heart. I am choosing to stand on Your solid rock as my foundation and trust Your plans for my future. I know it’s not going to be easy and I pray that when I encounter the struggles of this path less followed, that you send other Christ followers along my way with encouragement and words of strength that I may not grow weary. Now Father God if this is only a temporary season and/or a preparation for a marriage that is yet to come I pray even so that You come and have Your way in my life.  I cherish every moment of this current season I am in and our relationship as You take me deeper still. The joy that makes my heart smile knowing I get to just sit with You and listen to Your heartbeat as you speak of your love for me. To experience you as my Husband and I as Your bride – words cannot describe the awestruck wonder that entails and I thank You for Your mercy and grace in sharing that with me. Beloved, I ask for wisdom and knowledge as King Solomon did for truly what good are material things and power if I don’t know what to do with them? Teach me to be Your servant as You have instructed and in doing so bring Glory and Honor to Your name.

I love you Jesus – Let YOUR will be done, on earth just as it is in heaven. AMEN and AMEN.

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