Humbled and Speechless. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t think I would do this story justice, without giving a brief history in an attempt to somehow convey the reason my mind is still reeling and my heart is still overjoyed. WE SERVE A LIVING GOD. He knows when a sparrow has fallen from her nest, so how much more so does he hear our cry and yearn to answer the prayers of the faithful?
I know some of my readers are also on my Facebook friends and have seen the recent status posts. In particular this week has been, probably one of the hardest weeks I can remember in over 6 years. “My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). I had been evaluating my life and where I am currently with a hard heart and looking with physical eyes and not in my spirit. I had let anger, resentment, fear and rage – to name a few – get a toe hold in the door of my spirit and you give an inch they take a mile. My finances and living situation were stressing me out because I had ‘lost control’ of it. I had been cutting costs everywhere I knew possible. I believe that when you stuff emotions, no matter which one it is, it WILL come out sideways in one way or another. Anyone who was really paying attention to me the past week would have noticed that something was off.
I didn’t realize how stressed out I had become until Wed afternoon when I had become so sick to my stomach and hadn’t had an appetite in several days. I had made the decision that day that I needed to start looking for a part-time job on top of my full-time job, serving at the church and trying to find energy for in between. In the midst of it all, I receive some news from my employer that confirms rumors I had heard in the making and the news just set me off. I was already scrambling and trying to figure out how to buy an a/c unit to replace ours that went out a few days ago, buy groceries, pay some bills that I’ve fallen behind on etc.
I had gotten lax in my daily devotional time with God and it showed!
I am faithful tither and as my rule, the tithe is the first check that I write on every payday NO MATTER WHAT. I acknowledge that the source of my finances is not my employer, is not my own talent and wisdom to get the job done, but God and only God. Papa God instilled in me the talents and job skills that I use to perform my job. Papa God blessed me with the right timing and answered prayers to have the job I have today. Papa God gave me the finances that come in each month just as quickly as He could take them away. He is my source and provision, not man. So I am a faithful servant and give to God what is His.
Now with that being said, as mentioned before, the spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak. So when I wrote that tithe and offering check each month; when I wondered where my groceries were going to come from next week; when I tried to determine how I was going to replace the air conditioner – yes, the spirit in me said ‘Trust your creator’ and my faith said ‘He promised He would take care of you and His word is not void’ BUT being in the mental and physical state that I had been in, especially this past week..my flesh was screaming as loud as it possibly could…what am IIIII going to do?
That’s where my mistake was…(I wasn’t supposed to do anything but trust in God and hand it over to Him.)
Well this morning, Friday, it was the craziest thing. Well not crazy it was totally God. I had an amazing day. My mom came over for the day while I was working and I don’t think I realized just how much I needed that until it came to pass. Throughout the day however, I realized that what had me so angry the day before, with my stomach in knots, unable to eat, stressed to the hilt, angry for the upheaval of my routine etc..today I was actually happy and looking forward to the change. I came to the conclusion that ‘it is what it is’ and God is going to have to take care of it because I am all out of suggestions. (I actually think that was a fb status I posted).
This brings me to the speechless part.
I arrive at church Friday night. At some point in the worship service, God showed me Psalm 91 – powerful.
I head off stage and make a pit stop for a piece of chocolate in the office before going in to hear the sermon and someone hands me an envelope. The envelope had been laid on Pastors desk and was addressed to His House Church and their address with my name in the attention line. The return address was in a state that I didn’t automatically recognize. Not thinking anything other than “well this is odd?” I opened the letter.
Inside was a card that had a short written note of encouragement (with beautiful hand writing, i must say) and a verse Isaiah 41:10. The card was not signed. It was simple and yet so profound I was literally speechless. All I could say was WOW and stare at the 2 ladies in the office with me at the time. I was amazed and so extremely humbled I just did not know what to do. Included in the card was a money order for enough to tithe, put 10% away into savings, buy a new air conditioner and groceries and still have some left over.
I’ll give you a minute to take this in….
My cup runneth over. Not because of the money per se, althought that was the prayer that God provide because I don’t know where else it is going to come from.
I think I am more awestruck at the fact that someone I don’t know, an obedient servant, that answered my prayer. God heard my cry, he laid the call on someone’s heart and that person was willing to trust God with their own finances and respond. I am humbled to know that God, in all His glory, His majesty, His faithfulness – blessed me in my time of need and from an unexpected, ‘nameless’ source. I feel like I could try for hours to express to you the humility and awestruck state of mind I’m in right now and I would end up repeating myself over and over. I’ll spare you the novel.
What I will say is GOD IS IN CONTROL. He knows everything. He knew when I was conceived that my mom would battle with the thought of keeping me or not. He knew when I was 5 years old that I would grow into a woman who would battle with wounding from my father and rejection. He knew when I was in college that I would come to know Him, again, during a trip to Israel 6 years later. He knew when I re-dedicated my life to Him in 2005 that I would battle a fear of praying and speaking loud enough for others to hear me would terrify me to tears, literally. And He knew that as my walk and faith and relationship and trust in Him continues to grow, that no longer would it be a constant battle that I would have to fight but instead He would fight it for me and teach me that all the instructions are there, in His Living Word, all I had to do was ask.
My God is my source. He is my deliverer. Papa God is my provider. When my heart breaks, His heart breaks for me. He yearns for His children to be happy and find life in Him. He longs that we draw closer to Him and not rely on the world to provide our finances, food and all other needs – but lean on Him, the creator of the universe who will reign for eternity when all else has faded away..THAT GOD is the one who took the time to whisper, in His still, small voice, to a fellow child of God that I was in need. THAT GOD knows the number of hairs on my head. THAT GOD was with me during my sleepless nights of tossing and turning. THAT GOD was with me when my flesh became weak and cried out in anger. THAT GOD will I serve forever and ever.
So to you, the faithful and obedient servant who answered the call. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. I pray that what you have sewn into my life and in essence my ministry because I believe my life is a testimony and a ministry…I pray that seed is multiplied in your life 100 fold. As the parable of the good steward, may you be blessed as well and reap a whirlwind of what you have sewn so that you can share with others just how great our God is.
Moral of the story? Don’t give up! Don’t grow weary! He hears your cry. He answers your prayers. He is faithful. I’ve heard a saying before: “God is never on time”. His timing is always perfect. May not seem like it in the moment but looking back I’m sure you will notice He knows what He is doing. Don’t lose faith. He is there with you and will not let you down.
For someone who is speechless that sure is a lot of writing!